History takes a lot of shit these days from deranged, capitalistic lunatics (like business majors) who think that the only point to society is to press blindingly through into society without taking a single second to look into our past, thus dooming history to a series of repeated failures until Jesus and the 12th Imam return from occultation and just impaling them on pikes. But what these so-called pillars of society forget is that looking back on history not only gives us some great life lessons, but is actually the world’s greatest dramatic story, full of tragedy and comedy. And history has, certainly, given us some pretty hilarious moments, so let’s take a look at them.
The Defenestrations of Prague (1419):
A series of arguments between traditional figures in government and religion, specifically within the new, extremist Hussite sect, led to a spate of incidences in which government officials were hurled to their deaths through windows. One of these figures was the town’s judge, on burgomeister, who has the dubious distinction of being defenestrated and having a hilarious title. No one knows why they kept hosting the meetings on like the 5th floor.
Italian Invasion of Greece (1940)
Mussolini, Italian, and therefore jealous of Hitler’s conquest, basically begged Hitler for a chance to take over something in Europe. Hitler gave him Greece, at the time a holdout, significantly less developed than Greece and Italy, and not heavily populated. The Italians, previous holders of such distinctions as not being able to competently beat Ethiopia in a war, was unable to conquer Greece, got stuck in a retreat, and rode out the rest of the war in Albania. Italians lost 6 times as many men as the Greeks, despite their force being less than twice as large.
The 0th Crusade (1096)
The pope, at the time French, had been preaching a crusade to the French nobles. Somehow Peter the Hermit, a hermit, caught wind of this plan and spread it amongst the French peasantry. They got so riled up about this plan that a million of them decided to mill it the fuck up across Europe and go to Byzantium to help defend Byzantine pilgrims to the holy land from the Seljuk Turks. Imagine the look on the Emperor of Byzantium’s face when, instead of 10,000 knights, he gets a million clumsy peasants. Many of them were robbed and killed on the way to Byzantium. The remained were killed in Anatolia by the Turks.
Collapse of the Western Roman Empire (453)
An empire, already somewhat overextended economically, especially in terms of debt, fighting a long series of skirmishes, on very alien terrain, in Mesopotamia. In addition, they’re struggling at finding mercenaries in that region and have a tenuous grasp on the social situation at home. Debt is skyrocketing and cannot be controlled, and financiers and the government have gotten in cahoots and are stealing money from the people. Unemployment is high; the economy is in inflationary cycles. And somehow they were expecting to survive that.
Iraq War (2003-???)
An empire, already somewhat overextended economically, especially in terms of debt, fighting a long series of skirmishes, on very alien terrain, in Mesopotamia. In addition, they’re struggling at finding mercenaries in that region and have a tenuous grasp on the social situation at home. Debt is skyrocketing and cannot be controlled, and financiers and the government have gotten in cahoots and are stealing money from the people. Unemployment is high; the economy is in inflationary cycles. And somehow we were expecting to survive that.
Credits
Written by Daniel Younessi
Article Cover From Walt Disney’s Der Fuhrer’s Face
